I’m realizing I should have just taken the RV to ceremony. I would have had to leave MT by now, but I would have had all my stuff and food. I get attached to stuff to soothe my anxiety. Like if I can just have those four chapsticks with me at all times, then I’ll be good. I already live with a lot less (only what I can fit into an RV), but it’s a good practice to do with even less.

I’m a little innocent rainbow trout

My sister tried to hook me into her Drama Triangle yesterday. The clearest as day hook, line, and sinker I’ve ever seen.

I’ll paint the picture.

It’s 8 AM my time. She texts me, “Mom did something so crazy.”

I’m thinking, oh my gosh, Mom’s losing it. Mom must have started showing signs of dementia, or she set the microwave on fire.

I call her 3 times. She ignores them.

I beg my sister to call me back. You have to call me. What could Mom have done? You can’t text me that and then ignore my calls.

I get her on the phone. You’ll never believe what Mom did.

What? I must know.

She lied to me.

The hook. Right there. I’m a fish swimming in the water. I’m happy, a little rainbow trout. I see it. Will I grab hold?

This is the moment where most people do. Where you can grab hold of the unconscious role you’re being asked to play. My sister set a line and started to let it sink. I’m in shallow water. I’m at my normal feeding time. I was hungry. But if I hadn’t recognized this for the Drama Triangle it is, I would have gotten caught. I would have hooked on, been reeled in, and had to have a painful removal later. The stage is set and if I just step out into the spotlight, I get to Rescue.

What’s the drama triangle

The Drama Triangle was developed by Stephen Karpman, a San Francisco-based psychiatrist from the 60s, and is a model to describe unhealthy interpersonal dynamics, featuring three roles: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

In the Drama Triangle, someone can basically be all three roles at any one time, even for the same event. It’s like a circle more than a triangle. You don’t have a stop and end to any one face. They all start to blur together, because this is what unconscious role-playing does to us. It creates toxic cycles of blame, control, and manipulation in relationships.

The three roles in the Drama Triangle can often look like this:

• Victim: The Victim feels powerless, blames others for their problems, and seeks to be rescued. 

• Persecutor: The Persecutor blames the Victim, criticizes, and may even be abusive. 

• Rescuer: The Rescuer tries to fix the Victim's problems, often ignoring their own needs and enabling the Victim's behavior. 

If you can’t tell by now, my sister called so she could play the Victim. I was lied to. She attempted to put me into the role of the Rescuer. Desiring, how could Mom, oh my gosh.

The rest of the story was as follows. If it sounds as ridiculous as it is, it was because getting stuck in the Drama Triangle just makes everything a telenovela:

1. Sister asks Mom to use a harness on dog

2. Mom takes dog for walk

3. Sister asks Mom if she used harness on dog

4. Mom says yes (when she didn’t)

5. Sister knows she’s lying (because you can feel when someone is)

6. Sister confronts Mom about lie

7. Mom digs in, even getting someone else in the house to back her story

8. Sister is enraged

9. Mom gets caught in lie

10. Sister is more enraged

11. Mom apologizes for lying and says that she’s scared of Daughter’s reactivity when she doesn’t do what she wants. Says she’ll do better and won’t lie, but doesn’t want Daughter to get so angry over dog harness

I’m laughing because it’s just so insane. This is how easy the Drama Triangle and unconsciously playing these roles is. It’s so easy that we can turn even a small event into a HUGE one. That’s what the Drama Triangle does. It amplifies, it dramatizes. Woe is me, and look at how harmed I was. We don’t cry over spilled milk.

The Drama Triangle is designed to take us out of clarity.

It takes you out of seeing and thinking clearly. Unconscious role playing actually leaves us disempowered. The goal is to be clear, conscious, self-aware, communicative, empowered, and boundaried. When you are unconsciously placing yourself in the role of Victim, Persecuter, or Rescuer, you don’t get any of those things. They cloud your judgment. You can’t see what you could have done differently. How a good apology was made if you just reached out your hand for resolution, or how you can use the event to learn, grow, and move forward. When you stay in these roles, the drama never really ends.

The solution

From my vantage point, I heard the story and said, Oh, it sounds like Mom made a nice apology, do you want to resolve with her? Rage.

Oh, it sounds like she was scared of your reaction over the harness. I know how you can be. Do you think you might be able to approach that differently? Or not get so attached to Mom doing exactly what you want? Rage.

Not getting hooked into the Drama Triangle yesterday meant just getting off the phone. I love you, Ciao Ciao.

The thing about getting into the Drama Triangle is that it never ends. If you’re not reinforcing the Victim (Rescuer), you become the Perpetrator. When I didn’t rescue with some kind of validation or by telling her she’s justified, I was met with criticism. I could easily have become the Victim myself, stepping into the Triangle and running up our energy until that event was the new drama. Drama loves drama.

Understanding these roles can help individuals recognize and break free from these destructive patterns. Because that’s what staying in any one of these roles does to you. You become addicted to the high, the intensity. You stand on the stage with your spotlight, playing all three. Hooking any innocent little rainbow trout that might come by.

Using the framework of the Drama Triangle also reminds us that there is another route. That when we move back to a place of clarity, we can see multiple perspectives, we can see resolution. We might still step on the stage, because it’s easy to do (or there’s a part of us that just loves the drama too much), but we can try and move off of it a little quicker.

Because when we do, the other side is reality. The clear reality where yes, Mom lied, but you were controlling, reactive. Where we can both look at how we added to what happened, come to understand each other and the world better, and move forward from there.

Ciao Ciao,
Val

UPDATE: NO LIVE STREAM THIS SUNDAY (8/24)
Send in your prayers

Every Sunday at 1 PM MST, I’m going to be making a collective prayer. How can I pray for you this week? Are you going through something major or just need someone to hold your becoming with a little care? Whatever it might be, send me a note by replying to this email. All personal and confidential info is kept anonymous. Prayers will be live-streamed on Zoom.

I’m writing every day right now. If you missed one or want to see what’s been written before, click below.