I fell asleep to the sounds of the Yellowstone River last night. I had the RV windows open. I got to sleep in until almost 8 AM since Montana mornings are cool. A blessing after 4:30 AM mornings in the desert for the last week. I’m sipping coffee, and my parents are in their pajamas. They’re discussing housing prices, which they love.

Mirrors

Everyone is a mirror for us. When you look in and feel love, it’s just you, reflecting the love you’re able to give back out. Everything you feel and everything you get is a reflection of your own making. There are reflections for shadow and reflections for light.

I have to wonder why I got basically abandoned-ghosted in the way I did by The Man. Where in this situation was I abandoning myself? Where was I ghosting me?

I spent yesterday trying to harvest and celebrate what happened here. I’m in my dharma, so everything that happens is for my purpose, to refine me and bring me closer to the light. When I allow it, when I reflect and take my learnings, I only grow and become stronger from challenge.

I realized I was about to abandon and ghost my dreams to be with this guy. I was already thinking about how to sell the RV to move in with him, or just go rent, so I could be close by. I was about to abandon my individuality, my path, for one that would have kept him close. I’m not alone in this either. The collective consciousness for women believes we have to sacrifice something to have a man by our side. That good men are scarce. That being with a man is better than being alone (or of our perceived loneliness). I’m tapping into something bigger, and I’m also learning how to have co-empowered relationships that support my path of enlightenment.

I didn’t listen to my womb either. I had a deep sense that the other shoe would drop. I even kept checking in with him about my doubts. It’s the knowing that there is a shadow here, everyone has one, but can I handle it when it comes out, and can our shadows dance together towards the light. If they can, then it’s a being that’s supportive of my growth, and we want that. When it’s not, the karma pattern tests you. So the challenge becomes to see the karma pattern for what it is and respond from your dharma. I’m proud of how I’m responding right now. You’re seeing it here.

Love island

I drove through Yellowstone with my parents yesterday evening. The sky was big and the sun set under some clouds that made the mountains look like they were on fire. My parents live on the East Coast, so they assume everything is literally on fire out here. My mom screamed twice in the car, “Fire!” when we passed through some high winds blowing dust and the setting sun. I have to remind her that just because we’re in the West doesn’t mean everything is on fire. I can see clearly where my anxiety comes from.

I’ll be in Montana for I’m not sure how long. I already really like it here, and I love that you can open carry. I don’t have a gun and I’ve never shot one, but I have this vision of me open carrying and some man comes up to hit on me. I look him straight in the face and say, ‘You know you just walked up to a woman who open carries?’. I want that moment, and I want that man.

Although I’m conscious now of how easily attached to love island I really am. I burned the boat for a reason. I moved into an RV to focus on my goals, to make art, to deepen my spirituality, to write this newsletter, to learn to make money from my gifts, to write art, poetry, and make music. To live beautifully in alignment with the land, time, my dharma. Love island is that little, very enticingly cute and sexy island that shows up on your path. It can take you off for a second, or a minute, or years. We see it all the time. People who get into relationships and then abandon their goals, stop coming to events, or showing up in community. The relationship becomes your whole world. That’s why co-empowered relationships are so important, in all forms. If they’re not serving your growth, they’re not worth it. You are an individual, and you have a unique path. It doesn’t remove the longing for a partner and a family. I’m clear I want that, but it has to be supportive of everything else.

Montana matriarch

I’m at the home of a grandmother figure. Being in her presence feels lovely right now. I feel her gentleness and her wisdom. I feel her matriarch in a way that my only living birth grandmother never had. She’s filled with love and softness. It’s no wonder she keeps around a chosen family, made of people from every walk of life. Who came through and stayed around even without blood ties. You stay like that because of love. I only hope to have a piece of that in my own life when I’m in my 70s.

My parents are harder for me to be around. I’m still sensitive from the ceremony, too, so I’m feeling a bit shut down and closed. Their energy collapses me, like it did when I was a teenager, but I know my higher self is like, take the learnings, babe. We’re different than when we last saw them, and we still have more to learn from them. I only see them twice a year now. I know that means I only have a handful of times with them before they pass. I want to harvest all I can from the experiences with them. I want to shine in their presence and not be scared to be me. How can I sing when they’re around? How can I show my big heart and not close in their response? My energy has always been deeply affected by my environment. It changes based on who I’m with. I have a desire for that not to be the case. That I can stand in my own vibration and not be tainted by what other people bring.

With many learnings,
Valerie