I’ve been casually crying since 6 am over baby videos on Instagram. They just get me, OKAY. My ovaries hurt, and I’m already in an emotional portal.

I’ve been nursing a painful period since this time yesterday. I need a shower and anything to eat but beef jerky. There’s flies all over my RV. At least it’s still cool out.

Getting invited back to the orgy

I had a humbling moment yesterday and I was reminded that you always have to act in a way to get invited back to the orgy. There’s no orgy in my actual story, but the first time I heard this concept was about acting in a way at the orgy I was at to be invited back to the next one. It’s just the idea that you do follow the rules, you act as a good guest, and generally enhance any space that you’re in. I live by this, but I make innocent mistakes. Never have I not been invited back to the orgy.

But, since I was a kid, I often just came into spaces different than everyone else. I found this a lot in the working world. Well, why would we be doing that thing in that way that doesn’t make any sense and could and should be done differently? It’s like my second day, and I’m like, why is no one else concerned that the emperor’s wearing no pants? And even when I’m not pushing in some direction, I naturally bump up against any weakness, lack of clarity, or gap in an organization. I just do. Because of who I am, I’ve HAD to become a person who’s very good at apologizing. It’s my 3/5 line in human design.

I’m here to make mistakes, we know this, and I’m an idealist. Both of those together, it’s no wonder I seek to build something no one else has. I don’t believe all politicians are corrupt (just gotta throw that in). My parents liked to say that I beat to the rhythm of my own drum early on. I’ve always had a strong sense of justice, right and wrong, and I can predict social outcomes with fairly good precision. I’m not going to say what humbled me yesterday, but I’m learning (thankfully quickly) that there’s a balance of what I can and what I shouldn’t write about in this newsletter.

I don’t do anything without a good reason (I’ve never been one to follow mindlessly), but I’m learning what good reason means in the spiritual community, to spiritual leaders, and to myself in my newfound places, with new technologies, and new people I love and respect.

Hummingbirds

The Man and I spent 3 hours and 33 minutes on the phone last night. I’ll take a good angel number for any reason. 333 doesn’t show up much for me. But, when it does, I take it as a nudge—one of those quiet winks from the universe that says, you’re supported, keep going. It’s a reminder to trust my gut, to follow through on the creative sparks I’ve been sitting on, and to keep choosing balance even when things feel chaotic. It also carries the energy of abundance, alignment, and things clicking into place, like the life I’ve been dreaming of is finally starting to take form (and maybe with The Man 😍).

I’ve never been one to put a lot of stock into angel numbers, but the universe winks at us all the time. In Deepak Chopra’s book How to Know God: The Soul’s Journey Into The Mystery of Mysteries, in just the first few pages (I’m only on the first few pages), he recounts a close friend of John Lennon’s who was inspired to write a new song after speaking with him in her dream. The next day, she thought it must be silly to put so much stock in a dream. At the exact moment of doubt, her TV came on, and it was playing an interview with John. She knew then that she had to continue with the song.

Some might call this kind of person a ‘space cadet’. Someone who puts too much stock in the spiritual. Someone who's always making moves in the world, only if they perceive it as a divine sign from the universe. But the universe does let us know we’re on the right path, and we need this. The universe gives us charming little miracles every day if we’re awake to catch a fun ride.

The personality, mine especially, is always worried. Our personalities like stability and to know the future. It wants details and contracts. It wants plans and tax returns. But the soul doesn’t care. The soul doesn’t care if you have a job or you make a million dollars. The soul wants to live and evolve. So signs and miracles, and lots of people who are ahead of you on the path, can help you kick back and relax. It’s well taken care of. The hummingbird in the desert can be recognized as a true miracle when we let ourselves be carried by beauty. Beauty is God.

A lot of the spiritual path for me has been this need for holding by the universe. You’re okay. You’re not crazy. Everything is going to be fine. I’ve needed it a lot from people, from books, from hummingbirds in the desert. But for the first time, and I’m entering some of the deepest places I’ve been, I really feel like I can say, I've got this.

With love and hummingbirds,
Val