I still haven’t restored all my photos. I can see the file, and it has general data of the right size, but something’s corrupted. If anyone has any suggestions, please send help.

I have a lot moving in me this morning about a friend. She’s going through a lot. I know the level of intensity she’s feeling because I’ve been there, and I know how I got out of it. I just don’t know how to get her to see that she can.

A weight in my heart

She’s dealing with a lot. Attachment, triggers, desire, love, boundaries, self-worth, purpose, the list goes on. It’s the same list I’ve been going through.

If you can’t guess, she’s dealing with a guy. A guy I used to have a thing for, so I think any advice I give her, she doesn’t really trust.

However, I am very grateful not to be involved with him, and I actively chose that. He triggered my attachment system from the beginning. He didn’t respect me right away. He eats at the buffet (of lots of women who are interested in him) and doesn’t clean his fucking face. He’s just very frothy with how many women are interested in him (he’s handsome and he’s a good lover that literally has that on public display). So women throw themselves at him. He just knows how to pull you in so you want him, but he can’t give you anything beyond that moment.

My friend thought she could have more with him. A valiant effort. But it is crushing her. I’ve never seen her in so much pain, so low, so delusional about the chaos she’s in.

And she might read this. And, I love you so much. My fighter wants to come out and go yell at him to fucking act like a man. Fucking see his impact and act accordingly, even if it means ending things. Maybe go fucking home and be with your kid over fucking a young woman that simply wants to be loved. If you can’t see that, or you won’t, fuck off.

What I want to say to my girlfriend, if she’d listen, is this:

Hey love

I just want to say again—I really love you. I’m not saying any of what I’ve said from a place of judgment. I’m saying it because I’ve been watching you slowly unravel in something that’s hurting you deeply. I know you don’t see it that way right now, but from the outside, it looks like this situation is breaking your spirit. And the part that scares me most is hearing you say things like you don’t want to be alive.

It’s so hard to see you in this much pain, while also not being willing to make a change.

Right now, this situation is drowning you. It’s taking your spirit, your safety, your stability—and it’s not giving anything back that nourishes your soul. I know you want it to transform you, to somehow have it change you, but this isn’t how change happens. I know you think if you just hold on longer, something will shift. But I don’t see that happening. I see you losing yourself further.

The chaos you’re in isn’t a sign that you’re about to break through. It’s a sign that something in this whole setup is wrong. It’s not your fault—but it is your responsibility to get yourself to safety. You deserve love that makes you stronger, not more dependent, not more shattered.

And while I can’t fix this for you, I am here, perfectly imperfect with the only tools I have. I need to name the truth because I can’t sit silently and watch you break. I love you too much for that.

I’m not here to force you to do anything. But I am here to point a mirror at your pattern. And, Babe, this is the pattern, not the pattern breaking. This isn’t helping you grow. This is addiction. And it’s hurting you.

You need more support than I can give. And I say that with so much care. I want more for you. I believe in the woman you’re becoming—but this can’t be the path that takes you there.

We can’t really change

What I mean is, we can’t really change ourselves in the way we think. I used to do this too. Try the same thing over and over again, and try to force myself to just be different.

Because I wasn’t willing to let go of the thing that was actually causing me pain. I just thought, I don’t have to change the thing, I just have to be someone else (like that can really happen).

When in reality, the truth is that we can’t really change who we are (our constitution, what our nervous system lights up with, even maybe our attachment type), but we can change how we react and respond to that thing.

It’s like, once you’re an alcoholic, you’re really always an alcoholic; thats why you don’t drink. You can’t change that this thing makes you go past your limit and makes you walk into the kitchen of the bar you’re in and try to pee in the sink (true story). Instead, you change your reaction to it: Hi, alcohol, I’m gonna go do something else, thank you very much, but no, thank you.

I had a Rabbi friend tell me we really always live with the triggers. They never go away. But we can mature in how we respond to it. 

And, emotions are our guide. When something doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t mean ah ha a portal. It just means this thing isn’t for you, and we found another part of ourselves that we can tend to and understand.

That doesn’t mean we don’t go for challenge or use our fear as a portal for change. It’s calling in your discernment. It’s like being in the gym. When you break down the muscle, you’re sore the next day, but stronger a few days later. That’s good challenge. That’s the kind of intensity that builds you. Even your spirit is stronger after a physical gym session.

The same goes for the emotions, the personality, the soul, your spiritual becoming. If the thing we’re doing is breaking you down day over day with no sign of integration back to our best self, getting us closer to alignment with our highest self, it’s not healthy for us, and we can’t change who we are to try to make it right.

It’s this weird thing a lot of the spiritual community does. It’s this obsession with shadow work that’s actually just digging around in your psyche for the same intensity you’ve always experienced. It’s the trauma bond and trauma pattern all the same.

The best change happens through pleasure, not pain. We want good challenge that builds you up, not breaks you. We want to do the things that build your confidence and your courage, your self-worth and your maturity. Breaking and pain doesn’t mean growth. It’s more often than not a self-inflicted injury that’s discontinuing our healing. We want the body and the spirit to open, not contract.

It’s a process of knowing the right amount of intensity, challenge, using pain as a guide, and pleasure as the guiding light. And again, not the pleasure of the flesh, but the pleasure of the heart. And let it say thank you for showing me who I’m not and what doesn’t work for me, and moving forward from that.

Love,
Val