I made it back safely to Montana. A young buck walked through the yard this morning. A 5-point buck stood on the side of the highway last night. It’s the season for antlers. The deer have just shed their velvet after months of new growth.

I’m glad to be back here. I love the valley. It is the place that I look around and say, I could be here for 30 years. There’s something special about the land here, not just for its beauty but for its soul. I’m not surprised that I found myself in a place that’s known for a disproportionate amount of writers and mystical religions.

Bucket list

Life has been taking over lately. Deadlines to meet. Events to attend. Gym. Health. Laundry. A new part-time job online. My father’s mad about something, and I’ll be headed to Washington soon for another event with the hat shop. I love that I can travel for work. I like new places and the road. I’m good driving on my own and prefer it.

I’m reminded, for a reason unknown to me, of a mentor I had. He used to tell me that if I don’t find my purpose now, I’ll probably just have children. And he wasn’t wrong. The greatest purpose, in my opinion, is children, so when you don’t do that, you need to fabricate something else to put your life force into. I get it, and I also just want children.

This mentor was one of the reasons I even set out in the RV. He had told me about what he did as a young man. Quit his job, got a one-way ticket to Mexico, and started crossing items off his bucket list. He wanted to take a dance class. He wanted to surf. He wanted to make a movie. Learn Spanish. He ended up doing all of those things and even made a short film of the dance class for the dance class. He couldn’t have been older than 25. I think he was even younger. That experience led him to return to his life and become an entrepreneur. Since then, he has started numerous successful businesses with a focus on impact and has advised even more.

After that conversation with him, I wrote my own bucket list. For years, I had wanted to be an entrepreneur, but I was never quite sure what for. I’m re-reading that list right now. It has 66 items on it.

The first one: “Get in the best shape of my life”. Number 16: “Have a baby and become a mom”. Number 17: “Fly a plane”. Number 42: “Open a food truck for Dr. Bananas”. I wanted to open a food truck for frozen bananas and call it “Dr. Bananas”, my playa name (a thing you do at Burning Man). There’s always money in the banana stand.

It’s funny, there are some of these that I would just totally remove now.

Number 56: “Bar tend in a strip club”. Absolutely not, what was I thinking? Number 43: “Start a beautiful temple Burning Man camp”. I’m never going back to Burning Man. Number 6: “Become an ISTA facilitator”. I think what ISTA is doing is just not something I ever want to be a part of anymore. They’re not helping people in the best way they can. I have a lot of critiques for another day.

And reading this, I’m reminded today how fast life can change. How fast it has changed.

Because life will change us fast if we let it.

Because God wants to work in you if you just allow Him to. Because Jesus wants to transform your heart, if you’d just be a little more available. And there’s a part of me that still cringes at that, like, who the fuck have I become? Healing can happen, and it does happen if you want it enough. For a long time, I felt like my soul was trying to get through me, and I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know towards what. But, I know, regardless of whatever name is used (Jesus, God, Wankantonka), I am a different person from allowing myself to live by my heart.

And I’m trying to lead a life now where I can take that love and pour it back out. On children. On a partner. On land and purpose.

Life crosses things out of you

I believe that we’re all just trying to get to Love. Love as the divine connection with God. Love as the sweetness of life and union. Love as the guiding force and energy that sustains us. It sounds hippy, but it’s just Christian.

Everything that gets in the way of that, going to Burning Man, maybe even flying a plane, is just the search to fill the gap that only a relationship with God can fill. And there are things that move us away from finding that Love, and there are things that bring us closer.

I struggle to see anything as ‘acceptable’ anymore. Meaning that it’s sort of okay that it’s happening or that we participate. Because when you can see clearly what is and what is not bringing you closer to Love, you don’t get to do it anymore. You don’t get to be like, well, maybe I’ll go to Burning Man with my friends. No. It doesn’t help your life, it leaves you spiritually desolate, it’s harmful to your body and your health, and it’s not resonating out into the world the things we know we want and need more of.

And maybe plenty of people would already be like, well, no shit, Valerie, Burning Man sucks, but I didn’t know that. And the thing is, though, would you know and say the same thing about Halloween, or even watching an action movie?

If you say those are fine, really take a long look at it. And listen to your gut. If you have to make excuses or do twists and turns to make it okay, it probably isn’t.

And lately, I’m looking at more and more of my life for those parts that I can refine. What can I do, say yes to, and what can I remove, say no to, to help me continue to live a life that is loving? That is in good order and right relationship. Where I don’t need to be hit over the head anymore with lessons because I have discipline about my life.

Where doing the laundry and folding it away, living life in the mundane and uneventful, is the most holy and fulfilling thing I could do. I think I’ve talked a lot about this lately. Where the slowing down of your life, the refining of what you fill it with, is a spiritual path. Where working overtime and being paid little actually pleases me and God.

Because life doesn’t have to be this big bucket list of things you cross off and peak experiences you have. I was one kind of person when I was doing that. That mindset makes one kind of person. And today, instead, I’m letting God cross things out of me.

To let the unnecessary fall away until what remains is simple: love, work, order, devotion.

It’s easy to chase transformation through movement—travel, experience, the next thing that looks like aliveness. But the spiritual transformation, for me, happens when you stop moving long enough for God to be the one walking in front of you.

And growth becomes about not adding more to life, but about letting go until what’s left is only what’s holy.

Love,
Val

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