I’m double backing up all my files this morning. It’s taking too long! I’m also trying to set up a Stripe account, and wow, it's also taking too long.

I had a full day in Bozeman yesterday. A friend used to tell me that Bozeman was just another Boulder, Colorado, but for conservatives. I still can’t tell, but I do absolutely love it here in Montana. I get to drive a Super Duty truck for work, and it feels good to be on this land.

Arranged marriage

Last night, I started really craving just being married. I don’t want to do the whole dating thing, sorry. I have a sensitive, tender heart that has a lot of love to give. I think it’s crazy that we have to go through finding a “connection” with someone, only to have it end for whatever reason. That leaves someone to get hurt, almost every time. I’m still tender from the last guy^, too. That was so intense and so hard.

The dating process doesn’t honor the heart. It doesn’t hold anything sacred, and it’s not even focused on purpose or God. It’s transactional. If you make me feel this, then I think I’ll stay. It’s not set up for marriage, which is where true, unconditional love can flourish. It leaves love to be a condition of highs, propped up by a weak container of ambiguity and open back doors.

I wouldn’t be disappointed if we made arranged marriage mainstream in the States. 70% of marriages in the US end in divorce. 90% of marriages in India are arranged marriages, and they have a 1% divorce rate. That’s incredible. That’s a statistic that you can’t ignore and that begs us to understand what they’re doing well and why.

And even before we do that, we have to remember WHY we value marriage. We have lost that, immensely. We live in a winner-takes-all culture. A loose, undisciplined, unprincipled, looking for the next high culture. Marriage is not just a nice tax benefit or a fancy party of your dreams. It’s the spiritual and sacred path of combining the divine masculine and feminine to get closer to God. It’s the path that you use to transform yourself. It’s the strongest container for unconditional love. It’s the divine union of souls for survival on this planet. It’s kingdom building. It’s sacred. It’s devotional. It’s safety, spiritually and physically, for both parties. It’s pride, and it’s beautiful.

Sadhguru is an Indian yogi and mystic. He says, “Marriage is not about compatibility. It is about growing together in the same direction.” He often discusses arranged marriage from a spiritual perspective, seeing it as a way to transcend egoic desires and commit to growth.

Fr. Richard Rohr is a Franciscan priest and contemplative teacher. He says, “True love is not about feelings. It is about commitment to a deeper process of transformation.” He emphasizes love as a crucible for spiritual growth.

bell hooks says from her book Communion: The Female Search for Love: “Marriage has the potential to be a place where we can be truly known and where we can show up in the fullness of who we are. But that potential can only be fulfilled if both people are committed to growth, honesty, and love as an action, not just a feeling.”

Dr. Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist and public intellectual, says, “Marriage is not a contract of mutual happiness. It’s a vow to weather storms together — to build something so sturdy and sacred that even suffering has meaning inside it.” He’s popular (and polarizing) but widely cited. His arguments often revolve around order, responsibility, and spiritual alignment.

A union opens up a greater possibility. I have a deep spiritual longing for structure, meaning, and reverence in relationships. I’m not married and have no prospects for it, so I have no idea if any of this will work out, but I'd rather approach it with this in mind than with the idea that I just have to take what I can get in the world. My standard is HIGH.

Asking to hold the things that are sacred

There are no mainstream organizations offering services for arranged marriages. I know because I’ve looked. In the US, they still take place in Hasidic Jewish communities, through an organization called the Unification Church (which is now named the Federation for Unification and World Peace), and of course within the Hindu faith.

I would love an arranged marriage, and honestly, I cry sometimes that my parents didn’t just do that for me. In my mind, it’s like setting up a college fund. Why shouldn’t we do the same for marriage? It’s one of the hardest decisions to make and the most impactful to your life. Having a community, your family, and principles guiding you seems like the best bet for a long-term outcome to me. Right now I’m just out here on the streets, like wtf.

I think love marriages sound hard. I think all marriage is hard (it’s supposed to be). But love marriages seem to end in divorce more frequently, they find unique challenges, they’re based on feeling (fleeting) and not principle (love as choice). I truly, deeply, would totally take an arranged marriage if I had a wise council of elders play matchmaker. It’s making me feel a call to start something like this. There’s obviously a need for it, and I bet there are more people than just me who would create that profile.

And, if we only let love be the fleeting high that we get with a new person, what are we doing? Real love is a choice, daily, especially when it’s hard. It’s not the big high of roses and romance. It’s not only around when dopamine and oxytocin are flowing. It’s not trying to make that first 6 months of a relationship last you 25 years (because it can’t).

I’m feeling a bit angry about this even. I’m trying to get into my heart. I’m hurt that my community, the women in my life, and my own heart haven’t been protected, honored, and held sacred by the practices of society. That somehow we thought it was better to create “modern dating” and go fuck around and find out years later that 52% of women in the US are unmarried or separated. That is astounding. That is a sign that we are not having healthy relationships.

I think when we hold things sacred, truly, deeply sacred, we have to ask ourselves what would that look like? I don’t think it’s sending your daughter off on dating apps. I actually don’t even think it’s letting her go to the community pool where men of all ages are. I wish my purity, my body, my value had been held with a lot more sacred wisdom than it was. That I didn’t have to go through the ring-a-roule of modern dating and a sex-obsessed culture to finally understand there’s another side and another way. That from the beginning, I was held as sacred, and that that was seen and supported by my community.

Love,
Val