I did something I wasn’t supposed to do. I knew it too, and I said yes anyway. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to be there already. For my yes to be God’s yes, but it wasn’t time yet. It’s okay when we make a mistake. We’re human. I’m just learning more and more of what I need. I’m learning even more rules for myself, for my heart. My feminine needs more boundaries than most.

Meeting God through you

I feel closer to God more than ever. Through all the ways I cultivate that relationship daily. But most surprisingly, through one unique relationship right now. It’s with a man, yes. He’s a really good man, too, better than most. Maybe the best one I’ve met yet (but the jury is still out). Either way, I’m learning so much. I’m learning what God wants me to learn, needs me to learn about myself, my faith, my higher calling as a woman in the world.

What this man’s giving me, and I didn’t realize it until this morning, is this great gift of realizing just how connected to God and my divine feminine I am through him. It’s like a seeing. There’s something through him, and only through him, that brings the sacred into full, clear focus. I see the woman I am and that I want to be more of. I see the full expression of the man that he can and will be. I see a world that is filled with hope and reverence beyond both of us. But I can only see it, as though I just have to reach out and touch it for it to be here, through the glasses of him.

I’m holding the pillar of faith, for both of us, in a way I didn’t understand before. In a way that I didn’t know the feminine did. But the feminine holds the faith, the vision. Remember, she is the void, creation space. But I’m understanding the puzzle piece of the masculine. Everything gets birthed through me. The creative, the transformation, the things yet to be made here on earth. But, it can only come through me through him. It feels like a special pair of glasses. Without them, everything looks pretty good, but with them, you didn’t know how much more there was.

I’m being called to something higher. God’s asking me to stand up a little straighter. Be the keeper of rules (no more being out past 11 PM, lol). Be grounded in my worth, fully, without falter, without fear. To be a conduit for His word and His will, truthfully, not just for me but for him, too, almost more importantly. And again, that conduit, that line to God, that connection to the void that births everything, I don’t feel it on my own like I do through him. This is a mystery of the feminine I am touching for the first time.

It’s the kind of connection that reminds me how much I must love God first. And that God loves me more than anything and how sacred God needs me to hold myself for the both of us. God asks the feminine to be the pace holder, the faith keeper, the visionary, and the Crown. God gives the feminine the masculine for deeper access to Him. As though, on my own, I was a seer without sight. The masculine, although I can only speak to my experience, is finally brought into deep purpose through the feminine.

The Bible talks about the woman as the Crown on the King’s head. I’m getting an opportunity with him to understand myself, my feminine, God’s Kingdom, and my role in it in a way I never knew I could. I feel an ocean of knowledge dropped on me, out of no where. Am I being initiated, God? What is this?

The fruit and the foretold

I have to remind myself that the same temptations that Eve had in the Garden of Eden are the same ones we’re afflicted with today. I did eat from the apple. But could the apple be the path of the wisdom holder? Christianity is often not looked at as a wisdom path, but what if that’s what Eve created for us?

There’s still too much we don’t know here, about ourselves, about this man. God needs us to see and be clear. God needs us strong not only for ourselves but for this man, too, if God so chooses him for me. Ultimately, we’re strong for God first. I can’t explain it, but I’m being called higher through him. And I mean him, not Him.

I’m reminded that I’m the one who goes through trial and error to get to the other side; I always have been. God knew I would falter in this life (more than once), but He’s always there, with open arms. He’s letting me feel the lessons of the feminine in a way I just never did before. In the way that calls me to hold wisdom. He knew that even in my discretion, I would get the kind of clarity I’ve been seeking. I’ve always believed, and found to be true, that the greatest knowledge comes to those who have walked and faltered and come back.

There are many Christian mystics who have reiterated this idea. In searching for a few of them, I found Thomas à Kempis, who was a German-Dutch Catholic canon and author of The Imitation of Christ, a well-known devotional book. It’s not a direct quote, and we can also find something similar in the book of James (1:12), which says:

It’s a meditation on the idea that spiritual knowledge often comes from trial and error. You don’t have to fail big for this to be true, either. Because when we’re sensitive with the world, with ourselves, even our smallest decisions can gain the greatest wisdom.

Love,
Val

Send in your prayers

Every Sunday at 1 PM MST, I’m going to be making a collective prayer. How can I pray for you this week? Are you going through something major or just need someone to hold your becoming with a little care? Whatever it might be, send me a note by replying to this email. All personal and confidential info is kept anonymous. Prayers will be live-streamed on Zoom.

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