I’ve been off my game the last few days. I missed work. I drove till 4 am one morning. I saw my boyfriend take 2nd (was tied for first) in a vertical chop - a timbersports competition. It was very cool. Everything he does is sexy.

I know so little

God doesn’t want anything from me. I’m sitting with that after a spiritual mentor said it to me yesterday. I’ve been struggling with this for months, honestly. Thinking that God wants me to live in a certain way. Doesn’t want me to make a lot of money. Doesn’t want me to have sex before marriage. That kind of stuff.

I want to live God’s will, but I guess I’m being asked to 1.) really understand what that means and 2.) understand that if God doesn’t want anything from me, what do the things that happen in my life mean?

In general Christian theology, God's will is understood through three main categories:

1. His revealed will, which is found in scripture and is God's command for humanity

2. His permissive will, which is God allowing for evil and suffering in the world

3. His decretive (or sovereign) will, which is God's ultimate, irresistible plan that brings about whatever he has decreed

I’ve had a lot of things in my life lately where I am trying to interpret God’s will, God’s irresistible plan for me. Thinking God wants something of me. Thinking that if I do this thing in this way (the way I believe God wants it), then I’ll be moving closely with divine order (and I want to live closely to divine order).

It’s been an internal battle. In some cases, I’m wondering where it’s created more conflicts than needed. I have to be reminded that I hold a theology that isn’t truly, fully Christian. It’s reincarnation. It’s dharma and karma. It’s sexual energy as life force energy and desire as a kind of internal guide. That’s not Christian. And Jesus, as an enlightened master, has been really transformational for me, but I sit with things in my bones that are much more expensive, and still, I know so little, and I’m trying to understand it all. I really, truly, know so little.

Messages from God

Just last week, I believed God sent me a new job opportunity. One to make way more money than I am now. One that would be fully remote, back in a role I’ve previously liked, with people I loved working with. But I got the call, and I just didn’t want it.

But God sent it to me, right? So what does God want from me? Why would Great Spirit send me that if I wasn’t going to take it?

I hemmed and hawed about this for a week. Decisions like this have always incapacitated me. My mind gets in the way (I’m an intelligent woman). My ancestral fears of money and poverty spring to the forefront (how could we be so ungrateful for a good job). If you can feel the anxiety spiral that starts to form, you’re reading that right. I anxiety spiral my way into, sometimes, complete insecurity. I take it out on my appearance or whatever thing is in front of me that I’m going to try and control to get any grounding.

So after anxiety spiraling for a week, I finally reached out for support. And when I asked this mentor, what does God want from me here? She responded with, God doesn’t want anything from you, but Great Spirit may be trying to send you a message.

Okay, okay, I can work with that.

So, what is the message here, then?

I pause. I have to tune into what is going on. And not the anxiety or the ancestral fear. Not the trying to interpret God’s will. But the message in the meaning of why this is here.

And when I sit and I finally listen, I think it’s a: Val, get back on your shit. 

You have to work, and you’re talented, and you can make more money. So you have to use those skills; they don’t get to not be used, and if you’re not gonna use them, someone else wants to and needs them.

Which reminds me that I set out to do this thing, this writing, this RV life, this coming to Montana, to make a business of my own. To start and finish a certificate in Spiritual Direction. To even, maybe, go study theology. To make something where I use my knowledge and my skills to make my own money, on my terms. I have models of online businesses from mothers who are making a killing and who are living my dream. They make 7 figures. It’s real and it’s possible. It’s not just a pipe dream.

My and my not pipe dream does not include sitting behind a computer making money for someone else, in an industry that I think creates more harm than good.

So maybe Great Spirit is saying: “You can do more. You can make more. You can work harder and get what you want, and it’s not going to kill you like last time. You’re different now. Use it. You have things you’re here to work on and that can be fruitful and you need to get back to that or it looks like you don’t want them. And if you don’t want them, your energy will be used in other places, because we need it”.

And maybe it’s more than that. And maybe that’s it. The line rang and I picked it up, but I wasn’t listening at first. I had one ear to the phone and one ear to whatever else was going on, and you can’t hear the messages when you don’t remember to just tune in.

I think the way that life works is that we get more and more of an unfolding for the things that come our way. We understand it to the best of our ability in the moment. It’s like looking at one of those pictures that has the hidden shapes, letters, or phrases in it. It’s filled with fruits and vegetables, but then you see the word TASTY spelled in carrots.

I’m reminded of the need for a spiritual practice that allows me good space and good counsel. I didn’t see the TASTY until I had a little help. I didn’t hear the message replaying and replaying without a reminder to shut the fuck up and listen.

I have a concept of God that punishes and pressures. It’s something I have to work out of my system. Because it’s not about doing the right thing. Doing the damn thing right! There is no right. So perhaps the message isn’t intended as punishment or pressure—you have to work, Valerie, and you have to work until you’re dead. Instead, it’s more gentle than that. It’s permission. It’s reminding. It’s a phone call. Not a slap in the face.

It’s a reminder of the permission to stop circling my potential like it’s a thing I might trip over one day. Permission to actually use it. And a requirement to use it. I don’t get to stop working on my potential because I found the love of my life. Or because I took a part-time job to sustain myself while I work on other things.

If you don’t get going on the things you want, the universe will give them to someone else. So shit or get off the pot.

Love,
Val

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