I had a winter in Montana where I met the love of my life. A healing love. A sweet love. A love like a fairytale and a Lifetime movie.

I’m leaving Montana with that; that’s for sure.

I am blessed and sometimes still beyond disbelief for the good love I have. That doubt can get the best of me.

That doubt likes to hold. A feeling is 90 seconds. Anything after that is a story. A story that he’ll leave. A story that his words don’t mean what he says. A story that he couldn’t possibly know what would happen, so how can I trust this?

I see the girl still wounded from the past. The relationships. The childhood. The father who caused so much harm, but then wanted our affection.

I hate that that little girl still comes up.

But she’s there. Still needing something. Still needing my attention. For me to sit with her. For me to tell her this fear is not needed. Not because we know everything. But because we can’t. We can’t, and we still love.

Yet, over and over again, I find myself still struggling the most with those feelings, as the fear of the unknown. Which is wild to me because I feel like I’m doing better than most.

I’m okay setting off in an RV and not knowing what comes next. I’m okay taking risks. I was in change management, for God’s sake, I should be okay with the unknown, the uncertain, that was the whole gig!

But it doesn’t matter how conceptually I accept, and even love, uncertainty.

Because the fear of it is still in my body.

Still lying in wait for the moment to come again. To remind me, we need to hold, we need to fear. I’m in your nervous system, and I am here to protect you.

It shocks me every time. The things that trigger me. The things that bring that part front and center.

And I know the gist that comes next: be with her; offer her love; tell her it’s okay, and thank you for protecting me. Love her. Love her. Love her.

But sometime? I hate her.

I hate that she gets in the way of moving forward. I hate that I have to deal with it at all. I hate that I worry my partner because I have a big emotion about something that doesn’t make sense to him. I hate inner child work because I’m a goddamn adult.

And for this reason, I’m trained in a trauma method that looks at your life with 7 core traumas, related to the chakras. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because real fucking trauma, not trauma-lite, is stored deep in the body and coats itself on the nervous system like a parasite.

Awareness alone isn’t the thing that gets you out of it. I wish it did, I have plenty of awareness to spare.

But I know, even as I write this, the right way, or the way that works for me, is actually easy and simple. It’s almost throw up my breakfast, simple.

Just don’t make me say it today, okay?

The summer is bringing more big changes. I was sort of asking for it, but now it’s here. I’m just not sure what’s being asked of me at this point.

I’m praying, more than ever.

I’m rearranging some things.

I’m calling in ease.

Protection for my partnership.

Clarity. It’s always clarity!

Less distractions, please!

I’m in the fog of uncertainty. It’s the most uncomfortable, and the only way out is through.

And I’m feeling some grief about letting some things go. Not everything can stay in a transformation portal. It’s just how it works.

When I first set out in the RV, I was more anxious than I wanted to admit. A young woman, alone in the woods, obviously living in the thing. It’s not that safe, and my nervous system is already vigilant for safety.

This time around, I will have more protection. I’ll have a dog too. But I still have no idea where to go, and that’s draining. It’s conceptually beautiful and freeing, and you get that in moments, but I have to work with where my body actually is. And my body needs a lot more grounding, a lot more safety and security than I’m willing to give it

And it forces me to think about getting a real job. A REAL FUCKING JOB.

I hate jobs. I’m sorry. All of the work out there is mostly stupid. It’s so stupid it’s frustrating.

I refuse to work on vaporware. I refuse to run your social media campaign. I will do it for myself, but fuck if I’m gonna do it for someone else.

And I’m trying to figure out, I’ve been trying to figure out, how the heck you make something in this world within your values. Within your design.

I don’t want to make 7-second reels with a catchy hook to worship an algorithm. I don’t want to sell you a bullshit course, or something that’s just knowledge repackaged, because I think you’re smarter than that, and if I wouldn’t buy it myself, why should you?

And honestly, my ideas? FUCK. They’re big man. They’re not here’s my breathwork course, they’re let’s rebuild society in the way we actually want to see it.

Where my husband leaves in the morning to tend to the horses, and I get the babies for homeschool. Where a community that lives in tight-knit is tending to a greenhouse, and even more are holding a workshop. Someone’s selling products online and someone’s designing new ones.

I see the system, and I see the world.

I see the transformation needed to get to it and the work required.

But how small it feels to think about what bullshit online course I can sell you.

I literally HATE online courses. It’s the worst way to learn!

I want a new way of living.

I want one where we’re never strained financially EVER, not because we’re making money hand over fist, but because we have a financial and consumption system that is regulated for sustainability.

Where once you buy the land the taxes don’t change. The land never, and I mean NEVER, changes hands. I don’t know why anyone ever sells real estate. Like, I get that you want more, or that, I don’t know, you took on too much debt? Like, I don’t know why you sell because you can only live a sustainable life in the United States when you have homes paid off and scott-free.

And I still want the model to make money hand over fist because I think we’re gonna provide so much value in the world that there’s just no way it couldn’t.

And it’s not from one thing. It’s multipronged—like any good set of income streams.

I’ve come back over and over to this idea for years, and I feel stuck.

I don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t know what’s needed. I don’t know where to get the money to start this thing—the investment is huge. And it’s not the kind of investment you can give to investors. You will not make money.

The start-up costs are about paying a TAX to leave the old system and start a new one.

And the longer we wait, the higher the tax, at least here in the US.

And I try to remember to just trust in the Divine. Trust that if I’m holding the vision, and I keep it clear in my mind, that we have it. We have it somewhere in the future. If we can see it, it’s happening. I just have to pull myself forward into it.

But when you have a vision this big, how the fuck am I supposed to work for someone?

How the fuck am I supposed to squander my life force energy on someone’s petty business when I’m over here like envisioning how we radically transform our lives?

And I know I’m not alone in this. This is for all the people who find “jobs” soul-crushing. Why? Because your soul didn’t come here to fucking slave for someone else. You must get a little kink off of being miserable if you’re still there, huh?

We’re best when we’re in our highest joy. The thing that pumps the fire inside of us. What makes us light up.

I’ve never had a job that made me be like, this fucking rocks. Maybe you have, and I envy you, truly.

But if you don’t, I really BEG that you keep listening to that. Because it’s driving you to more. It’s driving all of us to more. Because we need radical change in this world. The next era of human flourishing won’t be more high-paying jobs.

It’ll be more value creation, entrepreneurship, creativity, and new modes of sustainability that let us finally end the era of scarcity, slavery, and hardship. It’s long lives and lots of babies, and a little bit closer to Heaven on Earth.

Love,
Val

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