Life is so weird! I am a weird human!

Under the pipe,

I am messy. 

I am a messy human

who wrongly wants to be sophisticated

or respected

or admired.

My heroes used to be CEOs

and now they don’t really exist.

I see qualities in people I want.

Things they have, sometimes.

And these idols question my security.

Internally, I battle between security and aliveness.

One threatens the other.

Sometimes in the same way I saw my parents fight.

In the same way my father was searching, my mother holding.

And I was given that too. My ancestors, Oh, my ancestors.

And one does threaten the other

because of how I'm treating it.

Because of how I’m letting my security ruin my becoming, my joy.

I allow security to determine my choices.

For the family behind me that was poor and in ruin.

For the life before me that was sacrificed for others.

It says with you.

And so my question becomes, rather, how can I determine from what brings me alive?

And I’ve done it in the past, I’m not foreign to following my joy.

To following the thread that makes a group belly laugh.

To buying a huge dildo just to whip it around in at a party.

To keeping an adult pair of heelys in the trunk, hot pink.

To painting a little picture of otters cuddling for my lover.

To running through the halls with friends behind like little ducklings. Where’d that girl with the husky voice go?

I’ve followed my joy over and over again, and I’m known for that.

But it takes me a while to get back there, at this stage.

Too often, mostly when alone, I hold.

My body holds.

It wants to keep safe or small, I’m not sure why.

I don’t know if it matters as long as I know it’s out of balance.

But before I can do that, the mind loves to jump in.

“Well, its hard though”;

“the economy”;

“inflation”.

What stupid shit on the human experience.

“What if we go broke?”

WHAT IF WE LIVE?

What if we just live big and boldly, as we always have?

As we came here to do.

As came here to leave the notions, to build the aspen grove, to adapt as the otter does, because we can, and it’s good

to be present.

To breathe a little less deep; we have enough air.

To come back to what we’re here to do, which is just to enjoy this place. We’ve had plenty of time not to.

And when I do that, I remember that it’s time to go.

It’s time to keep moving.

And keep writing.

And keep making.

And keep finding moments of joy.

And friends to make laugh, because that’s truly the best, every time.

And to get out of the house, Goddammit.

And remember, we love community.

And we’re good in community, and the community loves us, and we love people so much.

And to let that childlike love of people just flow.

Like the otters do.

Because they’re so fun.

They’re so so fun, those people.

And we chose big tits because they’re the most fun too (I’m not lying).

And thats otter medicine.

And I’m remembering that.

And I’m remembering I chose that

becuase its beautiful and easy

and healing

and fun.

And we get to have the most fun.

So just do that and don’t over complicate it becuase we love to overcomplicate it.

And keep moving to what brings you alive, and that’s just fine in this lifetime.

And there’s a part of me that wishes I could be the one with a thing.

A big thing that people love and admire,

but I don’t actually think that’s me, or at least not right now

because the otter doesn’t really build.

It stays adapting.

And I know that cameleon because I flourish there

in that medicine.

In that design.

So, as we remember to laugh more—

and we already do a lot, don’t get me wrong. We laugh with everyone because people are easy to laugh with—

it’s just us that gets in the way of that.

And I miss the people that I laugh the hardest with.

The uncomplicated ones who just loved me.

I love those people so much.

That aspen grove.

That’s still there, under the surface

connected, because you can’t really leave.

Love,
Val

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