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I turned 30. I went to South Dakota. I saw Mt. Rushmore, and now I’m debating moving on to the next thing. I’m unresolved about how work “should be,” and I feel myself slipping into old patterns.

Toxic workplaces

I haven’t really been in a workplace that’s not toxic. My first “job” was selling shoes at Clark’s in the Tyson’s Corner Mall. This is before Tyson’s was the megatropolis it is now. But when it was still farmland turning over into pavement, I loved that little job at the shoe store. You got 1 free pair of shoes a year. My mom, on the phone the other day, recalled, “No, you got one free pair a month”. No, Mom, I just bought a ton of shoes!

And actually, that might have been the least toxic job I’ve had. The work was straightforward, commission sales, hours were long, but you knew what you signed up for. Everyone who worked there was black, except 16-year-old me. It was quite funny. The only bad thing, when I look back, is the 20-year-old kid who dated a 16-year-old. It’s not great, and I didn’t know any better.

Most of the service-based jobs I’ve had were some of the least toxic. You’re woefully underpaid, but at least you don’t deal with a lot of bullshit. And I like that. I don’t need a manager who holds me in contempt because she sees me as a threat. I don’t need a manager who yells at the top of her lungs at me, but is on her best behavior when the head honcho is around.

It’s this kind of caddy, backstabbing, contempt-filled bullshit that I find happens more in the workplace with women. Truly never men. You can come at me for this, but I’ve had enough experience to put some statistical analysis on it. And I know it’s for more than one reason. But it’s also the reason I left the “boss bitch” lifestyle. I refuse to be a miserable person anymore (to myself first and foremost).

Obviously, I have a workplace conflict going on. And I am reminded of what I am working towards.

1. I want to be my own boss.

2. I want my boyfriend to actually be the boss, and I do what he says (someone who cares deeply for me).

3. I want to work with the land as a steward.

4. I want to do something where the work is honest, and the money is honest, and you don’t have to lie, cheat, and steal your way to get somewhere (I honestly think most businesses have to, one way or another).

5. I want to live a good life.

And that doesn’t mean I won’t have conflict. It just means I’m actually living a life with care as a currency. In the marketplace, you’re replaceable. People are stressed and overworked. Underappreciation is a rite of passage. That’s the kind of toxic bullshit I want to get away from, and which I find in every workplace to varying degrees.

And psychology supports what I‘m saying:

• MIT Sloan’s research on toxic culture:
  Their large-scale studies found that toxic workplace culture is the single strongest predictor of employee turnover, more than pay, hours, or job insecurity.
  Key traits they identify: disrespect, unethical behavior, abusive management, and psychological unsafety.

• American Psychological Association – Work & Well-Being surveys:
  Show chronic stress, burnout, and mental health decline are directly tied to management behavior and perceived replaceability.

This stuff is even worse for “bullshit jobs”. The slew of white-collar jobs where you create little value and just sort of move powerpoints around. It’s insane that those jobs make so much money (I made a lot of money at those jobs). At this point, I truly think it’s corruption. Anything that creates so little value and has to hide behind the perceived mask of prestige is a house of cards. It’s an unproven claim, but it’s worth the skepticism.

It’s more for me

My frustration with toxic workplaces, the work structures in general, the pettiness, and the insecurity, isn’t just because it sucks to be around. After a lifetime of working, it goes deeper for me. Because I see the ivory tower that could be a working world where we are brought closer to God through work and not farther away. Where the work inspires and creates belonging. Where work creates real value, and that purpose grounds you.

And I see the quality that work provides for either soul expression or soul dissolution.

The Bible talks about work a lot, and that’s not a mistake. Work is the daily activities we do that bring us closer to or farther from God. It’s like 70% of your life beyond sleeping and eating!

In Genesis 2:15: “And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” 

• Adam was here to steward the earth from the very beginning. To do the work to keep it.

Colossians 3:23–24: “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.” 

• Work is a spiritual practice.

Matthew 20:26–28: “Whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister.” 

• Right leadership is rooted in service, not contempt or control.

Scripture treats work as spiritual terrain. If it deforms the soul, something is wrong.

And I’m not saying my work right now is totally doing that, but I have to be reminded to read the writing on the wall when it shows. To trust my own intuition when something feels off. And remember that I am fully competent and capable of building something with integrity. Something that does and will, with all my will, help me lead a life that is closer to and not farther away from God.

I tell my boyfriend that if we break up, I’ll probably just go become a nun or live in a monastery. I love him, but sometimes I feel like I’m being kept in part of a world that brings me great sorrow. And that path is unique because I can’t escape. I want the ivory tower now, here on earth, but I know I’m here to learn things I can’t even conceive of.

Soulcraft

And so I’m trying to find work that at least lets me live the way I feel is possible. I am an eternal optimist, and that is not by happenstance. To hope is to be connected to Source and I will burn that eternal flame so long as I live.

I see a world where care is the currency. Where lies and deceit are not the norm, and are not made as “mistakes” flippantly. Where appreciation and respect are easy to flow, to be given and received. And I must live that first and foremost. Because in every workplace I’ve been in, it is not modeled to me.

And I have a part of me that says: you don’t deserve that. No one does. Suck it up and don’t be a brat. If you can’t take it, you’re not tough enough. Like, I’m just not a hardened enough criminal to make this world work for me.

And I do believe that. I think that is true. To be “successful” in this working world, you have to have a bit of your nature turned over. To be hardened and to be willing to do things your conscience might not be okay with. To exert power and control when necessary, to be masculine where you are feminine, because you have to, and you need to.

And I know, humans are this grey thing, not black and white. We’re both good and bad and we need it both because it’s just part of us.

And I think it teaches us something about all the faces of our God, too. Our God is punishing and caring. Is heavy handed and also light. I think the goal is just not to get stuck in any one of them but to move freely and intelligently. Both in response and ahead of what is present.

And so I’m reminded, for all that work is and will be, that I know absolutely nothing.

And I can’t hold tightly to any one thing. If it changes, it changes, and I’ll move with it. I have little control over this world, and I am at the will of most things. I can only control my reaction to it and be reminded that there is something to learn.

Love,
Val

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