I can’t put much weight on my foot. It’s swollen and aching. It’s a pretty good gash right on the heel. I always think I’m overreacting to my injuries, but they’re usually pretty bad, and I only know for sure after the fact. I’ve always downgraded my injuries. I played a whole soccer game with a broken Fibula when I was 14 or 15. I knew it was broken, but we had no subs.

It’s always been hard for me to ask for help, or even admit I need help. It’s fine, it’s fine, I got it. More often, it’s hard for me to even know, or accept, that I need it. Believing that I should just be able to figure it out myself, whatever that means. I’m proud of even the small moments where I do ask for help, because it means when the bigger ones come, I’m quicker to act.

Dating apps

I’ve been swiping on Hinge. Yes, yes, I am still upholding my celibacy. Celibacy doesn’t mean that I can’t search for love. I am searching for love first and foremost. I am literally reporting anyone who makes a sexual innuendo. I told someone I had a nasty splinter, and they responded about a foot fetish. Report. Someone asked me for my ‘snap’. First of all, sir, I’m a grown woman. Secondly, report.

I’m even providing men with feedback on their profiles. Sir, your profile screams red flag. They ask why. I ask them, ‘Do they want some feedback?’ They say yes. I say, alright, you asked for it, and proceed to give them a list of the things that are red flags. I am doing God’s work.

It’s funny, I recognize just how fast I’m going through changes, especially change around relationships.

Have you ever tried to look for someone’s heart in their profile? Can you see it? Can you feel it? Is it a tender heart or a closed one? It’s something I never would have picked up on before, or did only subconsciously. Right now, it’s the first thing I’m seeing. And it’s not about who’s the hottest guy (which I think dating apps optimize your selection for). It’s about whether I can swipe on the person who leads with their heart. Who says something meaningful, or shows they can love something (dog pics are good).

Maybe other people have been doing this already, but I wasn't. I was swiping on the cutest guys. If they weren’t cute, not a chance. How many beautiful souls might we miss when we prioritize the flesh? It’s a theme in my life altogether.

I realized, too, that The Man, if he had been less attractive than he was (and he was gorgeous), I would have run the other way after the second date. There was something about how handsome he was that just hooked me. I mean, I could gush about how hot he was for hours. It clouded my ability to see him clearly. Although I did feel his heart, I thought he had a good heart, but I’m learning where I made a lot of assumptions, or I didn’t let myself be clear, and therefore, see clearly. If I hadn’t been so obsessed, I would have felt the nuances, seen the red flags, and just not have dove headfirst. I would have taken his non-response or lack of good responses about very important matters of the heart as non-negotiable. He got away with a lot because of how handsome he was. And I wasn’t totally unconscious about that. I would say to him, you’re lucky you’re so hot.

We like hunks, we need lovers

It feels so silly to reflect on. Like every other young girl who falls in love with a guy because he’s hunky. It’s a classic story of young love! It’s the youth that brings the attraction. We like hunks, what can we say! It’s an age-old story of looks over substance. I feel like a ’50s teenager seeing the cutest boy in school at the local diner. We’ll break out in song soon enough.

But the woman, the woman that is taking over, the woman that is needed, is going to find a man who leads first with his heart. Not just his body, or his head. Can you treat me right? Can you hold me tenderly? Can you be vulnerable? Can you love something other than yourself? The maturity of that is setting in more quickly than I knew it could.

And, of course, we want to be attracted to our partner. But can attraction be sparked by something other than looks? Can we be turned on by being treated well? By an open heart. By a man who stays and shows up. By a man who invests in you. By a man whose masculinity is heart-centered, not self-centered. Can you be ravished by consistency and containment.

We need to make being a lover boy cool again. Bringing a date flowers. Walking you to your car. Taking it slow. Asking the right questions. Putting God at the center. That’s a man who leads with his values. And that is mature. I’m calling in something mature. It feels like going back to something we thought we had before. I don’t think we ever lost it, fully, but it left for sure. It’s why all of this feels like a remembering. Ah, yes, when the heart is leading, that’s how it looks. 

The right time is always now to start anew. To try something else. To ask for something different. I’m not the only one going through this either. Collectively, we’ve lost what it means to love and be loved. Dating is hard, everywhere. Dating apps have been both incredible in connecting potential partners and degrading to the social fabric that defines a strong connection. We’re all moving through this together. Keep going.

Can I pray for you?

Starting this week, I’ll be doing a collective prayer for anyone who needs it. You might be going through something major, or you might just need someone to think of you with care. Whatever the reason, send me a note about what you’re going through. I’ll make a prayer on Sunday and share it here and on my Instagram. All personal and identifying information is kept confidential.

Love,
Valerie