Some days, I still throw tantrums. Yesterday was one of those days. What am I doing driving to the desert? Why am I not home with The Man? I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Why the fuck don’t I have a house?!

If you’re a woman, you also probably get hormonal influxes a few times a month. I’ll blame yesterday on that.

What I am is what I am

I have a lot of parts of me. There’s a me that wants adventure. That wants to explore the world and experience as much as I can. There’s a part of me that wants to be home, making house, enjoying cleaning, and raising babies. FEEDING A FEW CHICKENS EVEN. Who I am and what I am changes every day. I did not always see this as a positive aspect of myself. But I am a fluid being. I respond to the world and my environment. Ultimately, I seek to ask God every day, Who am I for you?

As a sacral authority (human design), I should try to be MAGNETIC to get more of what I want. This means embodying your flow, your joy, your passion, and your excitement. When you do this, you’ll get more of it. Generators who are passionate and love what they do (we are meant to do this more than any other type) help everyone around them feel that way. We attract more of what we are (again, more than any other type).

When a generator hates their job (we can’t do this and should not do this because it’s so far out of alignment for us), their energy will be depleted. Their passions low. Who wants to be around someone like that? I don’t want to be around myself when I’m like that.

Off-roading the RV

I had to off-road the RV last night. I was NOT happy about it. Have you ever seen someone off-roading an RV? NO. Because they’re not built for it. This thing is a fiberglass box. It’s like barely rodent proof. It’s got open flames and pilot lights and wires that are just shoved in between some fiberglass with no rhyme or reason (I know this because of the forums).

The road to get to the Summer Vision Quest land was more than I bargained for. I complained the ENTIRE way. I have always needed people around me who find my complaining funny (it is). I am grateful to those people. I have also annoyed my best friends with it. I took the RV as sloooooowwww as I could (a 5 mph, burning man style entrance). It was rocky and hilly. I thought we would tip over at one point. Then I missed the property. The gate was closed, the number on the sign was wrong (it wasn't, there were just multiple of them). I got in right as the sun was setting. I thought I had another hour of light, but I forgot Arizona has a time change. We gain an hour here.

When I got in, my energy was HARSH. Everyone else was very nice. My diva was checked quickly. I went to sleep an hour later. I’m feeling good this morning and really, truly, glad to be here.

I tried to buy a gun

I tried to buy a gun in New Mexico. I knew very well that you couldn’t buy a handgun out of state (it’s a federal law). I wanted to try anyway (I was bored). I thought it would be nice to have a gun while traveling. My anxiety is higher than I’d like when I’m on my own and in a new place. A gun won’t solve this (I already know that). So, how do you know when you’re actually in danger and when it’s just your nervous system lying to you?

I do, well, know in my mind that I have very few (if no) threats on my own. I don’t get into dangerous situations. I can be safe inside an RV from something like a bear. I have a lot of guardians spiritually watching over me. I’m never truly alone. But in my body, it’s hard for me not to feel that anxiety and fear, so much so that I question other means of protection.

But I don’t want to live in a world where fear and anxiety rule my life. I want a gun because they’re fucking cool (you can’t tell me otherwise), not because I’m scared of the world. It’s an odd thing, built into the foundations of this nation, too. As an American, I’ve been conditioned by the Constitution. The 2nd Amendment is about self-protection. It’s powerful coming from a government. No modern government had EVER done that in history until the United States. It is an incredible innovation in democratic rule and the protection of freedoms, rights, and liberties. I do believe it has also enabled a culture to stay guarded and paranoid.

As a transwoman, my dad owns like 20 (ish?) guns. That’s layers of protection and armor that I simply don’t want for myself. My dad only got those AFTER the transition. You tell me what that means.

I don’t want that for me. I want a protection that looks like being able to sit with the fear and not let it turn me into something I’m not. That’s why so much of the spiritual path is the healing path. I have to remember that. I have to work on this body and this nervous system. I have to take care of this body FIRST.

I’m learning that real safety lives in the body. The spiritual is the biological. It’s cellular. And while I can respect the power of a weapon (and the history that carved it into the backbone of this country), I’m not interested in fortifying my life with more armor. I’m interested in softening what’s rigid in me. In building trust with the part of me that sees shadows where there aren’t any. Not because I want to be naive, but because I want to be free.

I am here on Summer Vision Quest land to help prepare the place for the ceremony. There are lots of people here. I got up early to write, and now I need to get ready to help. It will be a long day in the sun, but I’m grateful to be here now and ready to get working.

See you tomorrow,

Valerie