I’m overwhelmed. There’s so much to write about. Why did I wait so long to do this?

I went out in the woods after writing yesterday and just sat in joy for the life I’m creating. Yes, it’s fucking awesome. The forest was alive with a lot of spirits, too. It was like everyone was out and playing. My connection to spirit is always through my imagination. If I can imagine a bumbling big tree creature, then I trust it’s there. Ram Dass talked about having endless imaginary friends. I think of it the same way. I remember having an imaginary friend as a kid who would follow me on car rides. They would bounce on every tree and home we would pass. They only showed up when we drove, and I stared out the window. I wonder who they were. I haven’t seen them since.

The sky was cloudy all day. Like a woman who really needs to cry but can’t get it out. Later in the evening, I went back to the same spots, but they were empty and eerie. The sky was ready to finally let it all out. I huddled in the RV. The man came back to be with me before the sun went down. When he arrived, I was lucidly dreaming after masturbating. I always lucid dream with naps; it’s one of the reasons I take them.

De-armoring changed me

I cum loudly now after Shamanic De-Armoring. It’s a training (of sorts) to dearmor the body, physically and energetically. It’s probably been one of the most transformational activities of my life. I am literally in my body differently from it. It has been a keynote event of my spiritual journey. I have more access to pleasure, to my higher self, and to and with my environment. They say the integration takes three years, but if I feel this way already, I can’t wait for more life. I am out here mostly alone, so I was nervous to be in the most vulnerable state I can think of. What if a bear came by? That would be on “1,000 Ways to Die”: woman masturbates in RV before being mauled by a bear.

My lucid dreaming made me unsure whether the man was real when he showed up again. There’s a part of me that fears none of this is real and he’ll change his mind and peace out. He’s everything I want and need, and I fall asleep asking God to let me keep him. But, de-armoring gave me the peace and the confidence to have that happen and be fine from it. I know that I can love and get my heart broken, and that that’s the art of it. Feel it all. I’m not broken from it. I’m alive.

I fuck up drains

I made a meal of burgers and squash and forgot I’m not supposed to put anything down the sink drain. I fuck up drains in homes so I really have to be careful with this one. The man tells me I can’t put anything down in it, but I had already put coffee grounds and some oil in it. This is my RV so fuck all if I can sell it later. The generator had a cold start last night, too. I’m so glad he was here to help me with it. Otherwise, I would have panicked. It did not want to go on once the temperature had dropped. The rain was beautiful from inside. You get to hear all the pitter-pattering. I love being cozy in bed when it rains.

Jesus loves me

I started reading the Bible for the first time yesterday. I was gifted a study Bible when I was 16 or 17. I spent two weeks with my Baptist Minister uncle, Uncle Ed, around that time. For probably three or four nights, Uncle Ed and his adult kids kept me at the church past midnight, trying to make me take Jesus into my heart and say I believe in God. If I didn’t, I was going to go to hell and hell would be fire and brimstone and I would continue to suffer in this life and the next. That stuck with me for years, hardened me, closed my heart. I’m not like that anymore, but what a way to not help a kid understand spirit and God.

I woke up shivering this morning. I need flannel sheets. The RV feels like it’s getting progressively slanted, but it’s not sinking from what I can tell. I could move it, but I’m not sure it’ll make it better. The man moved me in my sleep from falling off the bed. I woke up to feeling him grab my waist and pull me close.

We’re headed to Strawberry Hot Springs today. He just booked us an Airbnb. I’ll leave the RV at this campsite overnight. It should be fine. This is my whole home, so I’m nervous, but how can I say no to a spontaneous night in Steamboat? I’ll bring a sketchbook and my camera. I’ve taken many shots of him. His best side is his right side.

Until Tomorrow,

Valerie